Everything fell apart last week. It seems that my manhood was only being held on my a thread, and that thread was pulled out from under me last week. My job was everything to me, but after my accident I couldn’t get back to where I was. Being a salesman just doesn’t work when you’re blind. Sure I was given special work conditions, placed in different departments but the world of electronics is constantly changing and having to sit and listen to new releases and new products was way to time-consuming.
I tried payroll and management and I give CompuTech credit for trying to keep me. I guess once you go blind your entire world changes. I feel helpless, useless, try to re-learn everything all over again this time with no eyes. Sure you get a better sense of smell and are almost completely reliant on your sense of sound, but at 32, I don’t want to re-learn how to live. I just want to live.
I wasn’t forced to quit by CompuTech, but by my disability. I don’t even know what I signed but all I know is that I’m now unemployed and on government disability pension assistance. In other words, I’m living on welfare, a shell of a who i used to be. Like an old broken tool, I’m useless.
I guess that’s what my wife was thinking as well because she left me a few weeks after I lost my job. We had known each other for 12 years and had been married for the last 6 years. I guess that meant nothing after the accident and funny enough it really should have been her. Driving home after dinner at my parent’s house was always her chore, but seeing as she had an early appointment I decided to let her sleep for the hour and a half drive home. We were on the highway about half an hour from home when the accident happened. I didn’t even see the truck lose its tire, all I remember was seeing the steering wheel come right at me. I guess I am lucky that the tire didn’t come right through the windshield and take me out completely. Well I guess that’s just perspective.
I think it was guilt, the guilt of putting me in the driver seat instead of her that made her start to lose it. Or maybe it was just the excuse she needed, I’ll never know. I used to be able to read her so clearly, just by looking at her I could how she was feeling and what she was going through. I could talk to her about anything and knowing her as well as I did, I could support her through everything, I was her rock.
But now….now, I have no idea of what is going on with her. I don’t know how she’s feeling, what is bugging her or if she’s giving me a straight answer. I don’t even know if she’s looking at me when we talk.
The day she left was probably the worst day I’ve had since the accident. It had been three weeks since I lost my job and I was already spiraling into alcoholism. It was not a good time for me, but I always knew that I had Sarah. When Sarah came home, I’d stop drinking and sober up enough that I could actually open up and let everything out. Venting to her was the therapy I needed to just keep on living for another day. Maybe that’s what did it, but three nights ago I didn’t sober up. Sarah never came home but she called about half an hour after she was supposed to arrive.
It was then that Sarah told me everything. She wasn’t coming home, she couldn’t deal with the situation and she wasn’t strong enough to support both of us. I didn’t hear much else except a vacant “I loved you…” and a sob filled goodbye. I cried and drank for hours until i passed out. My last support beam had been pulled out and the building that was my life finally collapsed. I’d like to say that I was stronger than that, but I’m not. I can’t do this anymore. When I woke up I realized that I’ve reached the end of my rope and, well I just don’t think I have anywhere left to go from here.
3rd street was always busy. One of the widest streets in the city and the traffic was always zipping by. Saul’s Good News had been a city staple, it was the place to go for every kind of news imaginable. Saul prided himself as being the first to know everything and today was no exception. While opening his news shack he saw Marvin walking down the street. Marvin was one of his favourite regulars and his story always made Saul just a little sad. But Saul was also very proud that he knew such a strong individual. Marvin went blind in a tragic car accident which led to so much hardship in his life. He lost his job and his wife and even though he lost everything, every time Marvin came by he would always stay and chat with Saul keep him company and listen to his stories.
Until a few weeks ago, Marvin had come by almost every morning but this was the first time I had seen him since his wife left him. Saul was a little worried about his tragic friend, but seeing him coming down the street, dressed in what seemed to be a new suit made Saul happy. The dark glasses always made him look like he was hiding some secret, but the white cane gave him away every time. There was something different about him this time and Saul couldn’t wait to ask him what the occasion was for him to be all dressed up. Marvin would normally slow down as he got to the news shack but this time he kept walking right into the cross walk.
Marvin walked right past the stand and that’s when Saul noticed the ear buds in Marvin’s ears. Frozen, Saul stood there as he realized that Marvin had blinded himself even more than he already was and was walking into the busiest street in the city. He could hear the music blaring as Marvin walked right into the path of a moving truck and was carried away into traffic. Tears streamed down Saul’s face, speckled with blood as he screamed for help, and ran after the screeching truck, hoping by some miracle that his friend was still alive. Running after the truck, all Saul could hear was the sound of the orchestra coming from Marvin’s headphones as the strongest blind man he knew condemned himself to death by orchestra.